What We Believe

It’s nice to get up early and get some of the things done so I can just relax and enjoy my weekend. It’s a very cool morning. I went out to the grocery store just as they opened so I could enjoy my shopping without the crowds that will come later today. I will have to go back again this weekend as I walk to the store and I can only carry so much each trip. I could carry it all but it takes away from the enjoyment of the walk, which is the most enjoyable part of the experience.

This week has been difficult as I noticed how this new realization of having high functioning autism was sinking in. I could see that I was processing it and even struggling with it at times.

At times I found myself questioning my entire experience in this life. Wondering if my spiritual journey was real because I was experiencing it in a very different way that other people, or from a different perspective. Is what I say in general of any worth because, as I found myself saying a few times when I looked back at how others have treated me throughout my life, that I a sort of mental retard.

It caused me some pain as my heart took me back through my life to show me that I am autistic when I was questioning it. I saw how I had been bullied in so many ways, mostly by my own family. How no one supported me but actually expected more from me. Demanding of me. And when I would reach out they would simply say, “Nope. You’re on your own. You will either live or die. You’re not my problem.”

I saw this throughout life, even in churches, which hurt even more. There were times when I nearly begged them for help. Not financial help. I remember dreaming in my mind of coming across someone who would sort of take me in and help me with those things I was struggling with in life. Mostly, just give me some support and let me feel I belonged in some way.

This never happened. Mostly, just as with other parts of life, I was seen as strange and rarely regarded in any way, though they could see my great passion for spirituality and I think they didn’t enjoy the great demands I would make of them through my observations of their lives in corrolation to the book they supposedly believed in, which they rarely truly lived but loved to preach.

Not knowing that I was autistic made it harder because I look and even act normal in many ways. I only act normal because I was putting so much effort into that mask, while underneath I was struggling and putting forth much energy into simply acting normal.

Today I watched a wonderful video about women with autism. I found it so interesting how I related to the experiences of women more than those of men. It was actually watching the experiences of men that caused me to question if I had autism because I didn’t have many of the experiences that they had. But when I listened to the women, I could see it all spot on.

So this makes life even more interesting for me. A man who can relate better to the experiences of women because I have a feminine heart who is also autistic. Well, as they say, autism isn’t something you can catagorical define. It is a very broad spectrum of experiences.

They talked about how they feel so deeply but don’t necessarily express it, which causes others to misunderstand them. Well, as they said, we go to great effort to control and even repress our emotions when we are out among people, at least in my case it is because I don’t trust myself and how I will express those feelings. Sometimes they come on too strong which definintely confuses other people. I have to constantly and manually regulate them, which often causes me to seem like I’m not feeling nor expressing any emotion.

I remembered photos of me when I was younger. I never smiled in them. I always had as sort of blank or even a sort of angry face. I remember family members becoming upset with me when they would take photos at gatherings because I wouldn’t smile. When I would try it was always forced and didn’t look very good. My family was always upset with me about something that I didn’t do right in the image they expected.

I wonder how they would have acted if I had been diagnosed early on. Maybe they would have just given up and left me alone, even more alone, putting up their hands completely as they never dealt with such things very well.

I think in some ways these things that have been on my mind have sort of prevented me from writing this week, even though I knew I should be writing because writing helps me to release such things and I could feel it building up inside of me. It was funny how confident I’ve been in writing throughout the journey but now I’m a little hesitant, even feeling a lack of trust in myself and what I’m saying. In some ways, seeing myself as nothing but a mental retard.

But I needed to feel these feelings and work through them. I love how my heart brought me these other forms of inspiration today, such as putting the video of women with autism on my home page and also another video of Jim Carrey talking about his spiritual experiences. Both of which brought me to tears this morning and a feeling of release.

I love how Jim says that spirituality is all about healing and the desire to heal. I can see how, as I look out at the diseased humanity, all I want to do is heal it or even put it out of it’s misery. When I see someone suffering I just want to reach out and love them in some way, and sometimes I do but, because I’m autistic and my communication is different from others, I don’t know how they take it and if it really helps and maybe it does more damage, so I’m always hesitant, but sometimes I just can’t control myself and I reach out in some way. Again, I find myself questioning myself when I’m trying to do what is within my heart.

I know I’ve got to keep writing regularly but it has been difficult lately. I always have a lot to write about but I just don’t fully trust it myself. I think about all the times in my life where I’ve simply overwhelmed neurotypical people with either my great passion or with too much feeling and emotion. This is why I constantly strive to keep these things under control. For me these things are commonplace and even enjoyable. For others it’s just too much for them to take in.

I can see how, when I speak with others, especially about spirituality and philosophy, which has been my obsession for most of my life, what is commonplace for me is far too deep for them to comprehend. And again, when I express such things I do let down my controls over my passion and feelings which then further overwhelms them.

Again, this is why I rarely speak of spirtuality and philosophy with others, being that this is what my life has been dedicated to studying, means that I really don’t have much to say in general to others, so I sit alone and quiet, simply listening and observing others as they interact in ways that I’m not able to do.

It’s hard to talk with them about movies because I don’t watch the same movies. I don’t watch the same TV shows, being that I don’t really care for much more than Malcolm in the Middle and The Big Bang Theory, which I find interesting how it is only these shows that can keep my attention. I mainly watch independent movies, which is outside the scope of what most people watch, which are the popular ones, such as Marvel movies and other movies of that sort, which I have no interest in watching myself.

The music I listen to isn’t the same as most people around me. So I don’t have that in common with most people. Again, mostly independent artists and only female artists.

All of these things really don’t matter in the greater scheme of things but they are things I need to work through within myself. I have times of seeing clarity in the fact that I see how my “condition” is actually filled with much more quality things than detrimental things. It still comes down to the conflict of communicating such things to the neurotypical people.

Well, all in all, I simply go about my own spiritual journey with a heart that loves me very much and of whom I love and dedicate my life to serving. How it is all taken by the rest of the world really doesn’t matter all that much. It is my expression through what I have within me.