A Nice Spring Day

It’s a nice Spring day. The sun is shining along with a nice breeze moving about the cool, not cold, air. A big difference from last weekend when it was actually more like early summer than early Spring. It actually became very cold this week and there was a day of snow. That was the day after it was nearly 85 degrees F. It dropped into the low 30s the next day.

It’s been a rough week. I’ve thought about writing several times but I just couldn’t come to a place where I could write. It seems it’s been a week of coming to terms with the idea of being a high functioning autistic person. There was a day when I started to question it, thinking that I might be overreacting. I woke up at 3am the next morning and it seems my heart wanted to show me the reality of it. She took me back through my life and showed me that it is true.

I would have to say that this sort of frustrated me. The way my family and others have treated me. They all knew I was different in some way. My mother simply couldn’t accept having an “imperfect” child, just as my oldest sister did with her youngest child who is “imperfect.” They basically just threw up their hands to the whole thing.

With me, my mother did everything in an attempt to make me perfect, constantly telling me how I should be and what I should do in life. It pains me even more to think that her last words to me on her deathbed were, “Be my success.” as all of her other children were less tha perfect and not able to live up to her image of success.

The fact that I spent the next 15 or so years trying to acheive what she asked, only to have it nearly kill me. I was the last person she should have asked to do such a thing.

I thought about what it might have been like if I would have just gone on and not tried to fulfill her final wish of me. Living a simple life. I wouldn’t have ever gone to college, racking up student debt. College itself nearly killed me as I struggled to go through the intensely competitive place that college is. In the end, it didn’t give me anything but a certificate of having a degree. I still work a menial job, having failed to fulfill her final wish of me. Only now I have the debt to deal with of going to college.

This week I was only scheduled to work about 24 hours. I was thinking that, even though I need the money, that I would just enjoy the time. Well, they added hours all through the week until I ended up working 40 hours. It is the same for next week, which was originally scheduled with only about 25 hours and is now 40. The next week the same.

The funny thing is that all of this is being caused by me. I have only one focus right now, improving my credit rating. I have already paid off two credit cards and about three quarters of the other two credit cards. When they report next month my credit rating should jump. I should be able to pay off the other cards next month. Then I will use them properly, paying them off each month. I’ve been doing a bit of study on how to improve and use credit properly.

Although, I have no idea where it is all leading me. I just know that this has to be done right now. It’s funny that I continue to live as Alan Watts states, to be like a loose leaf flowing on the wind, moving without any force except that of the natural force that moves it. Letting the wind carry it wherever the wind desires.

I also listened to an interesting speech by Jim Carrey. He spoke about simply asking the universe for what you want, working toward it without any thought toward how it will be fulfilled. Just move in that direction and then let life carry you to the correct way of fulfilling what you ask for. In a sense, it’s like riding the wind only directing the wind a little.

As I look at life now I can see that my perspective has definitely changed. At times I really don’t know what it is that I’m seeing. Everything around me seems so out of place. So unnatural. But that is what humans have become, unnatural, for fighting the natural. Seeking to be on control and fulfilling their desires by force.

What’s interesting to me is all the suffering that this causes. The depression, stress and anxiety that most people experience each day. I see all the mass shooting happening. I find it interesting that the cause of all of this is basically two things. One, they are all taking life too seriously. And two, they are all living lives of lacking. They are all living for “dreams” or things that they wish to happen, a better life. A life that never comes because they are in a constant state of lacking.

The create lists of things whey want to do, places they want to go, etc. They constantly think that if they had something or could go somewhere else, this would make them happy in some way. Yet with every possession they gain they only want something else and with every place they visit they only find another place that they wish they could visit. They simply can’t be satisfied with being where they are and grateful to what it is that they currently have. They always want more and this seems to cause all of their suffering.

A suffering that seems to be spreading about the entire world. Just as with physical freedom. For each person that becomes free, other people become slaves so as to give them their sense of freedom. When it comes to desires, for every desire that people have other people have to provide this desire for them, either by making what the possessions they desire or serving them on their travels. To have means that others have to give up something. The more one person has the less other people have, thus further deepening the canyon of lack throughout humanity.

All beginning with the lack within each human who is dissatisfied in some way with life and, as some become frustrated and taking it all way to seriously, the fall to violence to express their pain. A pain that also takes the form of wars, the ultimate violence, to attain and control the resources to provide for the insatiable lack, causing some people to have to pay for the lack of other people, often with their own lives, their livelihoods, their homes and any stability in their lives.

Yet, all that matters is trying to fill the lack within them, as it is this lack the fills the profit margins of the corporations who thrive on the lack within the people, even creating new ways for them to fill lack so that they will further desires their products to fill this lack.

Well, I just watch it all, as I would watch a diseased animal. It’s so sad to see it suffer. Maybe it would be better to put it out of it’s misery, but that’s what’s happening. Humanity is working toward putting themselves out of their misery. They are too afraid to let go of their illusion and, just as a drug addict within the illusion that a drug gives to them, they will keep using more and more until they overdose and die, then they might come to their senses again.

Many wish that there will be some sort of an intervention. Some great miracle to change humanity so that all of this doesn’t have to happen. What’s funny is that this very desire is what is helping cause all of this. It’s the only way for it to come about. Just as with any animal that becomes overpopulated. It causes the herd to become diseased and without any predators to kill the diseased, the disease continues to spread throughout the entire herd.

It’s so strange to have to watch. I was thinking today that if all of this is an expression of the universal consciousness then I want to find another universal consciousness to belong to. Yet, I know it is a disease that has happened to humanity, not as an expression of the universe but the expression is in healing the disease which, just as with any virus, it means killing off the cells that are causing the disease.

Those cells have become the humans and the only way for them to be healed is to become awakened, yet this awakening is only happening for a few. All the rest, just as if they are programmed to be doing what they are doing, they keep going like a freight train running at full speed toward a large gorge where the track ends.

It’s interesting to see and also sort of sad, just as with watching an animal suffering from a terrible disease. Yet, you know that the pain will end once the disease takes over completely, ending the life of the diseased and freeing the rest of life from the disease.