It seems it’s time to listen to music again. In this time of agitation, yesterday I spent an hour or so browsing movies to find one that I would enjoy, finding nothing. I have already watched all of those that did catch my eye and the rest I have to either rent or subscribe to some streaming service.
This caused me to think of what it is that I find enjoyable in movies, as I am very picky. I enjoy romance but not contemporary romance. I enjoy historical movies based on a woman or women. I’m still very biased to the female. I find a connection to those movies that express a lesbian experience or close friendships between women. Even some close but somewhat competitive relationships, as female competition is different from the masculine, not always seeking victory or dominance over the other but simply experiencing greater passion through the competition.
I’ve noticed that I enjoy seemingly quiet movies, based more on emotional expression rather than outright physical expression. These seem to take me in completely where I’m lost in the feelings being expressed. This reveals that I feel very deeply yet, just like with sex, I have desire for it but I have no desire for the actual physical contact. I can feel very deeply through a movie or book but it’s more difficult to experience in real life with another.
This is another “symptom” of high functioning autism, sensitivity to touch, sight and sound, all of which I have. I can hug but I don’t like long physical contact, especially a person hanging onto me while walking or something. It makes me feel constrained and uncomfortable.
This alone explains much of the reason why I don’t seek deep relationships with others and when I did in the past it was more to satisfy the feeling of being normal like others. I can now see why my one long term relationship ended. I can look back now and see how I felt trapped and constrained, always wanting to get away.
I do enjoy talking with someone. Listening to their deep feelings and there too I can feel deeply if I focus intently on what they are expressing. For me, service to others and simply being close to them as friends is often more pleasurable to me than physical sex.
I can now understand why I used to think that I wanted a relationship with an independent woman where we could be close friends but live at different residences. Or, if we lived together, have separate bedrooms.
From my experiences with women, this wouldn’t be possible, at least with the younger women. Maybe it could happen with a woman that is older. It really doesn’t matter much to me because it isn’t what I’m seeking. I’m merely exploring my feelings on the subject in relation to my new found realization.
I went out for a walk in the warm sunshine. It was even a little hot on the neck after a little while. I’m not ready for that kind of heat yet and it seems that it won’t be coming all at once yet. This is just a taste of what’s to come. The temps are breaking records though, one day by more than 10 degrees. Such is life today, always breaking records and seeing historical storms and flooding all around.
It’s funny that I came to this point in this writing and suddenly there was nothing more to say. I wondered why I am saying what I have said. It came to me that it is to release it from me, just as it always has been. My writing still continues to perform the magic upon my life, causing it to become real within me.
It’s much like some of the philosophy that I write, where before I write it there are simply concepts within my mind. Once I write them they come alive within me and from there expand within me. The thought is the seed and the writing is the planting of the seed.
It’s interesting how during one part of my cycle I don’t connect to music but find other things to connect to, such as movies. Then I suddenly don’t connect to any movies anymore and again feel a connection to the music.
When I again lose the connection to the music and go back to movies, some of those movies that I didn’t find appealing yesterday might be one or two that I will find appealing next time which might then lead me into a different genre of movie stories.
In some ways, this is something that has always been with me. Yet, I would look around at others and they would pretty much stay with the same things that they like all the time. So when I would feel this agitation for change, I would often fight against it, thinking that I’m not being consistent and thus imbalance. I was literally confusing consistency with balance.
This seems to be something that many people seek in life, that constancy or consistency with only slight changes while I’m seemingly forced into changes. Constant changes. At times causing turbulence because I fight against the change or simply don’t see it coming possibly because of my intense focus.
Like coming to a fork in the road with the universe pulling me to one road but I keep going straight because I’m so focused on it and then I find myself alone in a barren desert looking around, as if waking from a dream, wondering where I am. Looking around I can see lush green and fertile land where the other road was leading but I’m out there alone in a barren desert, having not made the turn to the other road.
In some ways, this could define some of the reasons of my intense anxiety in the past, as I would keep going, always expecting something to come from it, going further and further into the barren desert until I was so far away from the fertile land that it seemed too far to get back to it. So I would get off my bike go into fetal position and start crying until my heart would lift up and carry back to the road of which the universe had been pulling me in the first place.
Now it is different, as my heart has gotten me used to change through the journey, which was constant change. Now I might keep going straight for a little bit but then wake and realize that I needed to turn and I’m able to quickly turn around and go back to the fork. Many times I just go with the pull because I’m not really seeking anything anymore. Just going along for the ride.
I think this is where thinking becomes a great hindrance. For me at least, it is what would cause me to focus so intently one something and not make the turn or change. I was also seeking something at the time, often seeking to live some sort of normal life and do normal things, of which I never found no matter how hard I tried. I would seemingly find the things that others had in their normal life but they never seemed the same with me. In a way, it’s like how food tastes different when someone else prepares it than when I prepare it for myself.
When I prepare it for myself I have to make it differently for it to taste good to me but it tasted delightful the way another prepared it at the time. I think it also has to do with the connection through receiving the gift of their service. Experiencing the connection of love which makes the food taste better.
These are things that I do miss from my younger years when I was a little more outgoing, though still strange. I just didn’t know that I was strange then. I just expressed myself as if it was normal, often wondering why others didn’t perceive life as I did but not really putting much thought to it. Just experiencing, which is easier when a person is young as there aren’t as many expectations placed upon them. Getting older, the people of the society believe a person should have it all together and, if you don’t then there must be something wrong with you.
Life in the society is so strange to me overall and it has made for an interesting life of trying to find my place within it, never finding it. I listened to a man who has high functioning autism rant about how the society doesn’t make accommodations or even any flexibility for those who are “disabled.”
And, if they do, it’s merely because it is a law. “If you don’t like it you can go somewhere else.” is what made him so angry as he had been told this. High functioning autism isn’t so much a disability and a person still seems to look somewhat normal on the outside so they expect the same from them, though inside life is very different for them. Just communicating to others through societal norms is exhausting.
Like he was saying, if you don’t conform to the standards, norms and etiquette of communication with others, they immediately judge you as being rude. All of which are often exhausting for someone who doesn’t necessarily enjoy light talk and other forms of light connection that most people seek from others, at least here in the US. Maybe in some European countries they wouldn’t even notice.
I still adhere to the standards of acceptability as it is now habit for me. I greet people though have difficulty understand why when I say, “Good morning!” they then return the greeting along with asking how I’m doing. So I continue it by saying, “I’m good.” Now I’m obliged to return the sentiment by asking how they are doing. Once this is done I’m free of the interaction as they move on.
I am enjoying all of this, being able to understand myself, my life and all of my struggles in this life with a something to connect it to, I guess something to name it with. I don’t know if I will tell people about it or not. I’m tempted as times but then don’t say anything.
I was thinking about telling my sister but she has such difficulty understanding anything that is outside her limited view of life, as well as with her children, who have always viewed me as some strange freak in their eyes, often being the focus of their secret conversations behind my back, of which I know they do because, when I was in contact with them, most of the conversations were based on attacking others in the family for being not up to their standards. Standards of which they to were far from living up to themselves but, for ego’s sake, they had to feed their ego as their own feelings of self worth are severely lacking