It’s going to be another unseasonably warm day. The forecast states that the wind will be starting up as a cold front moves in and then it will cool back down to normal temps. I’m glad for this, though the warmth has been nice, I don’t want it to get hot too quickly.
I’ve been a little agitated lately. In some ways, it almost seems like a cycle for me. It might also be the warm weather which is giving me a sense of more energy. But I seem to go through these cycles each month. Much like how the moon cycles and affects the Earth in different ways, I have periods of calm and then a period of turbulence with in between periods that are not all together calm and yet not turbulent.
I can see how this cycle would have caused me grief in the past as I was always seeking some sort of balance but it always seemed I was off balance. Yet the cycle itself is balance once I simply accept it.
I remember times when I would hit the seemingly turbulent part of the cycle. This is when panic attacks would most often occur. I would then desperately seek some sort of relief. Most things not working and often wasting money on supplements and things.
The thing was that when I could have been entering into the calm part of the cycle I would be so wound up in anxiety that I would miss the calm part or the calm part would become depression combined with anxiety.
Now I just experience this cycle. I have noticed that when I enter the agitated part of the cycle that it does cause me to act on things. Not as I did before out of desperation to resolve the feeling but to simply do things differently or seek out new things. I become bored with the things that satisfied during the calm period and now I seek out new things in life.
By doing this it seems to give me the opportunity for expansion. In a way, the cycle is a cycle of expansion and contraction. I have the opportunity to expand for a period of time then, in the calm period, it allows this expansion to settle in and solidify. In a way, it is sort of like a creation and destruction cycle, yet there isn’t necessarily a destruction but a contraction, much like breathing. The chest expands to bring in the oxygen and then contracts as it releases.
It seems it was a good thing that I waited to find a mental health therapist. Now that I have identified many traits within me related to high functioning autism, I can now seek out a therapist who specializes in this. Well, I found one who seems perfect and she is located only about 5 blocks from where I live. If I start I’m sure it was be on video or phone. Though I’m started to see some therapists beginning to have personal meetings with social distancing.
I really don’t know what it is that I would want or desire from therapy. I know that I struggle a lot with many things that others take for granted and maybe it would be good to learn new ways to be able to do things. I think it would be nice to be able to talk with someone compassionate to it. To learn more about it. To be able to talk about it.
I listened to Alan Watts talk about what it is that we desire. He asked the question, “What do you desire?” If money wasn’t an object, what would you want to do?
I’ve asked the question of myself many times and always come up empty as to what I would want. I do realize that I enjoy serving others. As I thought about this, maybe the reason I enjoy serving others is because, when the service is done with purity, without the other person making it seem like they are inconveniencing me or that they owe me, but they receive the service with the purity that I am seeking to give it, I feel connection to the other person.
I think this is important for me because I can’t read others and it is hard for me to connect to others, so I can feel that connection through serving others. It is such a beautiful feeling that gives me joy. So I guess this is what I would desire.
It seems odd because people do exhaust me. Yet there is a replenishment of energy that comes from service, that moment of connection seems to be more energizing than exhausting. What is exhausting is getting through all the corruption of the other people. This corruption is what corrupts the act of service, the thinking that service requires some sort of payment or apology for accepting the service, which is what happens most of the time.
People just can’t accept love without feeling that they owe someone for it. Most people simply don’t understand the cycle of love, which is giving and receiving, not owing anyone. I give to them and they repay me by receiving what I give.
Money doesn’t complete the cycle nor does an apology for believing they are inconveniencing me in some way. Just was with everything, these things corrupt purity. In some ways, this is why money is the root of all evil. It corrupts not only the person but the actions of the person in relation to others and the universe, which is founded on love, universal love. Something that money can’t buy.
Well, I guess we will see where all of this goes. Like usual, I’m just along for the ride. I took down the information for this therapist. I don’t feel it is time yet to contact her. I’m still working out other things. But it is there when the time comes, if the time comes, as I have no control over when the time will come nor what will happen when the time comes. More and more I’m seeing how I make decisions in the moment that rarely resemble any plans I might have made before the moment.
But those plans seem to cause some sort of motion, even though not directly toward the plans themselves but sort of what these periods of agitation do for me, they cause me to move or seek expansion, how the expansion comes to be is not so much for me to plan but to experience as it happens.