Still Riding Along

It’s a very nice day today. It’s somewhat warm with lots of sunshine. A bit of a chill in the air but nothing a light jacket can’t take care of. A perfect day weather wise in my opinion.

After my second back to back work day of the week I can now coast into the weekend. It looks like I will have a more regular schedule at least for next week. Only one back to back shift.

So many times during my journey with my heart, my heart would bring up new things into my life and at first I would wonder why she was bringing them in. I would just go along knowing that there was a reason.

It seems the same thing is happening now with her bringing in the fact that I’m high functioning autistic.

Yes, as I researched this and looked deeper into it, I had some turbulent times within me and I still do to some extent. But I can see how it is freeing me even more. When I see how she first brought me into living in the present and then presented this into my life, I can see that they blend together very well.

One of the main things I’ve noticed is that I’ve stopped trying to be normal. It had become such a habit that I didn’t even realize that I was doing it. But, like they say on the videos, it takes a lot of energy to do so.

Again, still being the observer of my life, which my heart taught me well to do, I can now observe myself through a different perspective. There are things that I still struggle with, like how others treat me. It’s strange for me to be treated at times like a child by other people, knowing now that they see me in a way as a lesser person. Stupid in a way. At the same time knowing that I’m a very intelligent person within me, only they don’t necessarily see that part of me as I don’t really share it much.

Some of the women at work treat me like a child. The even talk to me as a child at times. It bothered me before and I couldn’t understand why they were doing it. Now I can see that, in a way, they see me as slow or stupid in some ways. I can now see why people have always sort of felt sorry for me.

What’s so interesting is that I’ve never felt that way within me. Yet, it is easy to see that I do struggle with the everyday things in life. I’ve had to teach myself many things that others see as commonplace. Things like eating right. Getting enough food. Cooking for myself.

I can now also see what was the main cause of my anxiety in life. It’s because I will often become very focused on things and I have to now admit, I have trouble reading other people. So, when I would become focused on something this was when things would happen, such as someone kicking me out of their home if I was living with them. Not because I did anything wrong per say but that I was strange to them. They would always catch me off guard as I would never see it coming.

This only happened a few times many years ago when I was much younger but it put a fear in me because I can’t read people. I don’t know what they are thinking or feeling and I also become very focused on things to where they can catch me off guard. So I always forced myself to stay alert and this caused me great anxiety, even to a point that it put me in a state of flight or fright all the time.

Because of this, after years of living this way, it affected me physically in the same way. My fight or flight instinct would come up out of nowhere, without any cause. This, I believe, is the reason behind the electic jolts I would feel, often when waking in the morning. Where, if I were to put thoughts to the feelings I was feeling, it would lead to thoughts running out of control and then into a complete panic attack.

My heart showed me how to become the observer and not put thoughts to such things. Also, by being the observer, I was able to think about that feeling when the jolts would happen and analyze them.

I laid in bed one morning a few weeks ago and just let the jolts come and go. When I don’t put thoughts to them they will come and then fade away in a few minutes. I thought about what it felt like. All I could compare it to was fight or flight. The feeling one gets when someone jumps out of the dark at them and they jump, causing their heart to race and an electrical jolt to go through their body. Yet it was happening to me all the time, for years, for no good reason.

As I thought about this I thought about what is happening. I was basically getting a jolt of andrenaline. This is caused or the effect is cortisol in the bloodstream.

I did some research and came upon an obscure amino acid that people use while detoxing their body. It was said to also great reduce corisol. So I got some.

It’s something that I take in the evening as it can make me feel tired. It didn’t work immediately but I kept taking it each night because it does have some nice relaxing effects. After about a week of doing so, I noticed I wasn’t having those jolts anymore. Even during that time I could observe the jolts becoming fewer and fewer until they don’t happen anymore. I’ve gone over two weeks now without a single jolt which it the longest I’ve gone in my life, except during the journey.

So it is interesting how being in the present can allow someone to become the observer of their own self. Not that they are two different beings within themselves but it seems necessary to the process of bringing those seemingly two separate beings, the spiritual or heart being together with the physical or ego being.

At the same time, one of the most amazing things I’ve been experiencing lately is when I’m simply sitting quietly and I can literally feel both the feminine and the masculine within me. Both their in harmony with each other. Sometimes I will feel more feminine and then a minute later I might feel something more masculine. They aren’t so much separate feelings but I can observe them as being separate at times. Most of the time now they are blended perfectly together with each other.

All of this began after I came to realize that I am high functioning autistic. Something about this knowledge caused me to release so many things within me that were nearly automatic and without my knowledge. Things I had done just to survive in the world, simply because I didn’t understand why I saw life so differently from others and that they seemed to look at me differently than how I felt inside. That I was expressing myself in some way that I didn’t understand nor even see.

Such a little nervous things I might do in an interview or when sitting and talking with a person in authority, such as a manager. I’m known to scratch my forefinger and thumb together nervously. I also talk with my hand moving about. I always watch as their eyes go to these nervous acts of which I can’t truly control.

These are just a couple of examples. There are things like how I talk. I am very proficient with using the English language, unlike most English speakers, yet I don’t communicate very well. I can now see how I might cause someone to feel uncomfortable. At times I might talk without an feeling or emotion being expressed in the words nor on my face.

Other times I might be overly expressive of my feelings. Both seem rather extreme to other people, therefore, just like the nervous little things I might do, I can see them scrunching their eyebrows at things I’m saying because they can’t truly read me. And, what I say is not always communicated in ways that typical people might communicate.

So, as I am now able to observe all of these things in a different way. In a way of somewhat knowing the cause and now I can work with them, as well as play with them. When a person seems to be wanting to talk light talk with me, I stop and make myself focus on them. I ask about them and inquire into the things they are saying so as to show that I’m interested. It is interesting that, as much as I wanted to, I rarely show much interest in other people.

On the videos about this, this man was talking about how someone with high functioning autism might be listening to someone in a conversation and then, out of nowhere, just turn and walk away. I’ve done this so many times. I seem to lose interest and they just keep talking so I just turn and go about my business.

I guess in many ways, this has both freed me from having to feel that I need to be someone that I’m not as well as it is now allowing me to work with what I have. If I want people to communicate with me openly, even to make friends, I have to learn to communicate in their way. This isn’t so much a burden on me, much like how I used to always have to struggle with portraying myself as normal, which was literally exhausting and I can now see that it wasn’t so much being around people that caused me to have to go into hiding for a day or two, but that it was simply exhausting to try to portray myself as being normal while being around people.

Now I just act like what feels right in me. I also found it interesting that a common trait is that of a poor posture. I’ve always had a somewhat poor posture. My mother gave me constant grief about it. It’s not bad per say, I’m tall so this causes it to be more vivid, but it’s just how I natural stand and walk. My mother was always afraid I would get scoliosis, and even tried to force me into physical therapy to make me stand up straight.

I never got scoliosis and I do stand up much straighter now but now I don’t think about it at all anymore. I can accept it and see it as just being me. This is how it feels with so many other aspects of who I am. I’m simply letting go of all those self conscious feelings. Not intentionally letting go. The combination of first living solely in the present and then bringing in this new knowledge, it’s just like a natural process. I can observe thousands of pounds of excess weight that has been on my back just floating off my back and to somewhere else.

My heart works so methodically. Nothing before it’s time. First she does one thing and then combines it with other things. Not the other things first. Each thing has it’s place and time to be brought in. Still today, I’m just along for the ride, though the journey is much different now than it was before.