Greater Realizations

It was very cold today. One of those days where the cold seemed to penetrate any coat and seems to linger even within the warmth of being inside. Hopefully it lifts and some warmer temperatures come in soon. Though I hope it doesn’t go straight to the heat of Summer as it has been known to do.

Well, others in the country are dealing with flooding and violent storms. Here is basically calm, just cold today.

As I wrote about yesterday, the idea of high functioning autism came up in my life lately. It was interesting how it came up. I have thought about it in the past but only a little, seeing that it could be a part of who I am.

It first came up when I watched the movie, “The Girl King.” A story based on Christina of Sweden who became “king” of Sweden when she was just 6 years old, though not officially until she was 18.

Basically she was described as being androgenous and this was the much of the focus of this movie. Afterward I read a little history of her and found that they also believe she had autism. This brought it into my mind simply because I related to this character so much and it could be seen that they were also quietly depicting this within her also within the movie.

A couple of days later a video appeared on my YouTube homepage. I had never searched or watched a video about autism. It simply appeared. I’ve seen that this happens when my heart wants me to see something.

Well, it did open up a can of worms you might say. I have since watched several videos on high functioning autism and more and more I can see that this is true about me.

This caused a little agitation in me at first. Just as one of the people said, those with high functioning autism, especially adults, have found ways of masking it. Of trying to look normal. The fact is that this is very exhausting for them and many times they overcompensate.

They also are known for they great ability of hyper focus on things. Much like this same man said, they can focus so intently on certain things while neglecting other things which are common things for typical people. Therefore, as he said, a person might look at you and say, “You are so smart yet so stupid.”

I have a great problem in dealing with everyday situations that others take for granted yet I can think thoughts far beyond their everyday lives. My hyperfocus was on spirituality and philosophy, mostly to answer basic questions such as “Why am I here?” Mostly because I’ve always felt like an alien within humanity, which is another “symptom.”

It is these words, such as “disorder” and “symptoms” that caused agitation in me. So they are saying that there is something wrong with me because I don’t fit the typical spectrum.

Then I thought of how many people view those who are gay or lesbian as being atypical and therefore see them as having a “disorder” simply because they are atypical.

Another thing that came to mind as, “Does this mean that everything I seen, written and experienced become invalid because of this?” Invalid because it is seen from an “abnormal” perspective. This troubled me at first.

All I can say is that it answers so many questions. Things like why people treat me the way they do. It’s not because I might express the feminine. It’s because people see me as an idiot or mentally retarded in some way. This is why, especially men, always step in and do things for me because I’m not doing them they way they think I should be doing them.

It’s funny that I have trouble doing some things in front of people simply because I have to do them differently. I’ve been known to take what I am doing into a private place then do it without any problem. But most people don’t give me the chance to do it in front of them, making me feel insecure, simply because I do things in different ways that are not typical to the way they do things.

This is also hard for me to accept. Mostly because of how my own family treated and talked about “atypical” people. How they treated me and tried so hard to force me to be normal, when they were in fact far from normal themselves, having many problems of their own.

At first I really didn’t understand why my heart would bring this into my life now. But now I’m beginning to see that it is very important. And it’s also important to know that many people, famous people, had or have high functioning autism. Such as Albert Einstein. I guess Steve Jobs also as he was pointed out as having it. Christina of Sweden, who in my brief look at her life was an amazing woman, though I don’t take all of what I saw in that movie as being accurate historically, I did do a little research on my own because the movie brought to life someone I admired, though the critics didn’t like the movie very much.

Because of the critics, who tried to compare “The Girl King” with movies like “The Duchess” who had a budget of about 25 million dollars and “The Girl King” had a budget of less than one million dollars, I watched “The Duchess.” In it I could see people trying to live up to what was “typical” for them, based on the standards of the day and their particular title in the society, but then seeing that these people, behind the masks, are simply humans with all the frailties and “atypical” behaviors of being human.

In some ways, truly being human is to be “atypical” to what is depicted as being typical. I have always asked in my life, “Who makes the standard of what we should be in life? Who defines the psychological profile of what is typical or normal?”

It is interesting that no one truly fits the “typical” standard. They only pretend to fit it, just as those with autism try to act normal by wearing masks. Yet their true capibilites, of which many are great, don’t come out until they take off their masks and be themselves, mostly in private.

Well, I don’t know where all of this will lead. I never know where anything will lead. I know that my heart, for some reason, decided to show me this and, like any change or new understanding, it comes with some turbulence. But as, as with all change, it all settles and then expands into greater and more beautiful understanding.

I found it so interesting that they autistic people are decribed as being highly sensitive, and very self aware. I simply can’t escape those two descriptions, on top of the many others that fit me perfectly.

Again, it’s one of those moments when I say, “I wish I would have known this years ago.”