Something New From What Always Was

It is nice to experience the sun shining brightly after so many days of clouds, rain and snow. Even though I don’t necessarily desire to go out into the sun today, it is so nice to see it shining through the windows and filling the room.

Last night I slept long and deep, something that doesn’t happen much anymore.

Today I find myself experiencing new and even exciting revelations into my own experience of being. It actually began last week as I’ve found something in some movies that I never thought of watching before.

They are all independent films about women. The first was a story about Mary Shelley. It took me a little bit of time to separate myself from my own cynicism as to if the story actually depicted aspects of her life. Once I simply settled in to view it simply as a story, not so much based on her, but using her name and possibly some scenes from her life depicted through the mind of the writer and director of the film, it was then that I could simply enjoy the story.

This led to finding another movie called “Ammonite.” It is the story of a female fossil hunter who falls in love with a young well to do woman of whom she nurses back to health. Such a beautiful movie, just was with Mary Shelley, I found myself completely engrossed in the movie.

Since then I’ve put together a long list of movies to watch. All about the friendships of women and also the romantic affairs between women. In each of what I’ve seen so far, I can completely relate to these characters and stories. Again, if I were to look at this from a societal standpoint, it would be strange. A man who can better relate to the intimate relationships between women more than between men or between women and men.

Today I’ve been watching “Vita and Virginia.” Oh, how I’ve become so engrossed in this movie. I literally had to stop it for a little while and found myself finally desiring to write about this new exploration as it is beginning to make more sense to me.

Lately I’ve noticed changes in my relationship with thought. For me, thought is not the enemy so much except in how it is used. When it is allowed to run wild and do as it may, often causing us to feel separate from ourselves, as if we are two different beings within one self, one constantly attacking and degrading the other. The strange thing about this is that this “other” is really the voices we have heard throughout our lives, not actually ourselves or a part of ourselves. Those are the voices or thoughts that need to be silenced.

Now, as I think I often find myself not thinking about the past or the present but within the moment, forming images that I can actually dance with and enjoy. Allowing my imagination to run free within the moment, not in conflict with any image of who I should be or what I should be thinking or doing in life.

As I watched the movie “Vita and Virginia,” again without placing any image of it truly being about these true characters in life, but simply experiencing the story on it’s own, I find myself being able to relate to both characters, seeing myself within both of them.

The depth of emotion, which is the main player throughout the movie, is the main factor that allows me to become so engrossed within it. Different from “Ammonite,” which has little dialog but beautiful explores the simple yet sensual life, such as hearing footsteps on the hardwood floors of an old house, being able to explore through the imagination the scents and smells and feeling myself transported into the environment, “Vita and Virginia” is much more intellectual with greater dialog that actually brings about greater emotion.

The beautiful things that Vita writes to Virginia. Love poems written in prose that simply melts the heart. It’s so beautiful to hear such words coming from a woman expressing her heart’s desire to another. I could see how I would so enjoy such a relationship with a woman, though turbulent at times, it remains persistent as the written dialog between them continues to become deeper and deeper, written with such elaborate expressions. Almost a competition where there are no winners necessarily but to simply continue to increase the passion.

I never thought I would finally come upon movies that could completely take me away into them again. It has been so long. It is also so amazing to explore my own feelings through them, seeing myself in the depictions of these women. Movies that are often written and directed by women.

I can see now what my journey actually did. It opened me up. Afterward it took one last obstacle of simply letting go. Letting go of the society and the images of what it defines as being human. Letting go of all the historical accounts of humans as depicted by the society. Letting go of all the stereotypes that have been formed through the perspective of the society. Letting go of life, as it has been depicted by the society. A life based on survival, power and control, always fearing death. To then become a life of living and experiencing each moment as it comes, allowing each moment to pass and to welcome the next moment, no matter what is within it, with kindness, love and openness, grateful for the opportunity to experience it.

Well, it seems the clouds have return to block away the sunshine. It was nice to experience the sun this morning and I’m sure it will return again as it always does, or is doing right now. It must have been a beautiful passing clouds, just one of many I sat this morning watching in their fluffy brilliance as they floated across the sky, changing shapes as they moved along.