Again it’s a cloudy day. They say that moisture is out there but I haven’t seen any.
Sometimes I just feel like wandering through the thoughts that pass through my mind. It’s so interesting to be the observer of my mind. My guide has said that we don’t seek to eliminate form nor to fight against our thoughts and feelings. It is all simply about being aware of them. To be able to observe them from the place of our true self, the one that can’t be named nor defined, just as the universe as her true self cannot be named or described.
It’s nice that people can look deep into the physical universe and see so many lights and forms of energy that seem to be interacting with each other yet they can’t see the true “form” of the universe that actually resides within them. They look outward when, in fact, all the answers they seek are inward within them.
For some reason I maintain my curiosity of what could be termed as prehistory. The history that seems to be withheld from the mainstream of humanity. They seem to be going to great lengths to prevent humans from knowing the truth of their history. Even fighting wars in the areas where much of this history occurred, destroying many of the sites.
It’s interesting how some of the countries in these areas are going to great lengths to protect these sites. It’s interesting that Saddam Hussein was one of those people. Yet, to the West, he was an evil dictator. Well, maybe he was in some ways, but it has been shown that he was acquiring wealth so as to protect and even expand on the history of the region. Supposedly he believed he was the reincarnation of Nebuchadnezzar and was trying to rebuild the empire in this image.
There are times when I will simply put on some of these documentaries talking about this prehistory of humanity and just let them run. Some of them are 3 or 4 hours long. It gives me a sense of peace and strangely, it allows me to be present. As if I have a deep connection to that time and when I’m experiencing it, even through speculation, I feel like I’m there again. Maybe I too am reincarnated from that time, even before Nebuchadnezzar.
Last night I enjoyed one which had a part dedicated to Innana. I still have a deep connection to this being “Goddess.” I don’t understand these feelings of connection. What I’ve learned about being present is to not try to understand these feelings but simply allow them to be as they are. Observe them as I feel them but don’t try to define them.
In some ways, this is what living in the present has done for me. It has opened me up to me. I simply allow many feelings that are deep within me to run their course without trying to stop them because they don’t conform to the modern views or because I don’t feel they are living in the present in some way.
“Play with form. Just don’t attach yourself to it.” is a paraphrase of what my guide says all the time. Without form we would cease to be at this time and therefore the experience would end. He even talked about how gender or feelings of gender within a person is also natural and to allow them to be part of the form identity, just don’t become attached to this image.
At times it makes it seem confusing, like I’m living two lives. In a sense, I am living two lives. One as form and the other as being present. One has participant within the current egoic reality and one who is simply observing it all and expanding herself through the experience.
I’m sure that it’s because it is sort of new to me. In the past it was often a battle between these two lives. One trying to dominate and oppress the other while the other was simply trying to come forth as the true expression. Well, this is the very fact of modern life, the oppression of the heart of who we truly are expressed both within humans and in destroying their history so they don’t know their true origins as human forms.
I embrace my feminine heart and allow her to express herself through this form of which I currently reside. I’ve come to the conclusion that it is ego that causes me discomfort in this because I am often mocked or even seen as being stupid in some ways because I’m not driven to achieve nor am I focused on the egoic desires in the world. I am trying to accept and feel it as being a gift rather than a curse to be mocked and seen as weak. I will admit, it still does hurt some, revealing that my egoic self is still trying to find some sort of acceptance within the egoic world.
This is okay because I’m becoming aware of it. I have felt moments of complete release from this and feeling my true expression come forth and it is very beautiful and freeing. I feel great space open up within me. The irony is that when I don’t feel this but feel the pain of being seen as weak and stupid, it can cause me to close up some. At this time it is back and forth but I can see that I’m experiencing the openness for longer periods of time and the pain of being seen as less than and weak for shorter periods of time.
I am truly beginning to see how being open with great openness within does affect the life of my form. It is interesting to see how things have happened to start helping me to improve my credit rating. How money is coming in from various places and how this is also being used to improve things that are important to the egoic world.
I would be happy to stay in this apartment for even another year after my lease comes up but time does wear on things and this apartment does need to be remodeled. It would be nice if they could somehow do it and allow me to stay here. I am also willing to possibly move to another apartment in this complex. I like this complex as I have built my life around it and it has everything I need within walking or biking distance.
Yes, these things seem like concerns and one of those things was my credit rating, as this is important to places like apartments. At the same time, I don’t concern myself with these things. If I do I can get lost in fear over it all. When I stay open and present it seems these things take care of themselves. I’m beginning to observe this as actual reality.
In some ways it is like lying down in complete submission to the universe, something that most people in this egoic world won’t do. They see it as being weak and, in most cases, it is seen as a disgusting act. Something that they very much look down on. One needs to be strong and determined to fight against all adversity and make their own way.
Yet, what if I don’t have my own way. My own way is existence itself and being aware and conscious of this existence. To simply open myself to the experience of this existence in form and thus fulfilling the desires of the heart and the universe as a whole. Expanding the heart and thus expanding the universe. All by simply being present and living within the present which then opens the heart of the true self which is not so much opening up as an individual but opening up a connection for which the universe can flow through into this egoic realm of form.
Even though I need to go out for somethings, today I have little desire to go out. Maybe it’s because of the weather in part. I think part of it is because this last week was trying on me. I’ve observed that interacting with the egoic human world means that I am constantly having to fulfill the desires of the egos. The desires of the ego are never satisfied.
I work for a company that is never satisfied, always seeking infinite growth. Doing as well as last year or even last month is not enough. They have to have growth.
This means that the managers are never satisfied. Once you complete a task they simply tack on another. It goes on and on, as if infinite desires of their egos. They themselves seeking infinite growth to their own lives so as to satisfy the insatiable desires of their own egos. Seeking to control and maintain everything under their reign and those subject to serve them.
Then there are the customers who believe that because they are shopping there we are subject to serve them and fulfill all of their desires. Demanding that the image of the shopping experience fit the image in their mind. They are spending money therefore they feel like royalty and those who are there to help they are there to serve them and give them all that they desire.
If you notice the one common thing with each of these examples is that all of these interactions within the egoic human world, is lacking love. Because love requires giving and receiving. The ego seeks only to receive and doesn’t feel the desire to give. Like some wealthy people say, who believe they are self made, “I don’t owe anyone anything.” They simply have no desire to give which means they are living a solely egoic life. Dedicating their lives to satisfying the insatiable desires of their own egos.
In some ways, I think this is what makes things rather exhausting for me. I am willing to give but I rarely recieve in return. I don’t ask for something to be given to me, I simply keep on giving. I don’t expect it from them so I don’t complain about it. But it does leave me, well, spent and by taking some time away from it all I can recharge through the love of the universe, who is constantly giving and receiving.
This is another aspect of my life that will get better as things go along. Much of this feeling of “lacking” within me is because I’m not always staying present while interacting with the egoic human world. This means that I have periods when I’m not open within myself, therefore I’m not open to receiving from the universe.
It is a challenge at times but it is because of this challenge now that I’m able to observe such things and allow them to grow and open within me.
If a person desires greater awareness and consciousness, or spirituality in general, so as to reduce the challenges in their lives, well, this sort of negates the entire process. It is the challenges that actually deepen the awareness and consciousness, or spirituality within. By observing ourselves, or form self, from the “higher” or “deeper” self of whom has no name or definition, we can then grow, expand and deepen our connection through the challenges that come up.
If there were no challenges then why would we seek to grow and expand. Without any challenges would mean their would be no need or motivation to grow and expand. In a sense, the challenges are the masculine energy or action that causes the process to happen. In a sense, these seemingly contradicting forces, that of challenge and chaos that is interacting with being present and harmony, well, it’s like the intercourse between the physical and spiritual. The physical being the masculine and the spiritual being the feminine. Through this creation occurs.