A Reason For Living

It as a sunny day. It started out very cold but by the end of the day it was rather warm.

This has been a week that I definitely had to earn to get through. I got some more hours but my body is aching right now, especially my feet. I need to take some time for my feet this weekend. Give them a few good soaks. I wasn’t planning to take on extra hours today but when they were offered I couldn’t refuse. It will make a difference from the weeks I’ve been working up till now.

At times I don’t know if it’s because I am feeling a bit worn out or what but things in my life seem a bit distorted. I am living in the present much of the time yet I go out into to a world based on ego and form. I have to interact with that world while within me remaining in the present. Because of this I find myself going back and forth from being present and being in form or ego.

I am aware of this happening. I observe it happening. It is like being two different people. I am me, the true self, the observer who is the universe and connected to all things. I am also this being of form, interacting with form and all the things the ego does in that world, observing the ego being expressed by other people.

By accident I came into a political power play that I accidently caused. I didn’t mean to make it happen but I don’t have control over the egos of others.

A couple of days ago I was asked to work more hours by the manager of my immediate manager. He informed my immediate manager that I would be working this extra shift in another department. Because I was working a later shift that day and working the extra shift would mean I would be working even later, then I would have to come in the next day to work the early shift, I wanted to make sure everything was complete so I didn’t have to come into the early shift with extra work.

This meant that I pushed taking my break till late in my first shift. I wasn’t going to take it at all but I finished everything 15 minutes before my first shift. I decided to just take the break then take my lunch afterward.

I notified my immediate manager’s manager of what I was doing. He had no problem with me doing it. I then passed by my immediate manager and told him what I was doing and he told me that I can’t do it. That I must take my break earlier. He made it sound as if I had done something very wrong. That I can’t combine my break with my lunch.

Well, I’ve never done it before. I just wanted to make sure I had everything done.

I went back to the manager of my immediate manager and apolgized to him about taking my break with my lunch. He said that it’s okay to do now and then. He knows I don’t do it all the time. I told him what my immediate manager said and he just shook his head and said it was okay.

Well, this manager, the manager of my immediate manager is the manager that I basically broke down with and told him all that I’ve been through. I wrote about this in an earlier post. This was back before I had to go to the doctor. He asked me what I needed from him. I said that I didn’t want special treatment but I did want his support. His support to help me through what I might need to do. At the time I didn’t know if I would need to take a medical leave of absence.

He has been very supportive. He always comes and asks me how I’m doing. He doesn’t give me special treatment. Yet, I do believe he is helping me a little by giving me these extra hours, which is really helping him out also so it’s not special because they are very shorthanded in that department right now.

Well, I think he talked with my immediate manager because the next day he was very distant with me. He has been that way since. He doesn’t come to my department much at all nor does he do as he usually would do, come to me with his plan for me for the day. I’m sort of on my own out there.

I think he is upset that I went to his manager to tell him what he said to me. It seemed to affect his ego in some way. I was supposed to just do as he said, even though his manager said I would do differently.

Thus I caused a political rift by simply being honest and trying to do my best work. Who knows how much this will ripple out and affect other things or if it will simply go away. I just go about my business, working hard to get things done and stay in the present, yet I can’t say that I’m not affected by all of this.

I know it is all caused by ego. It is a good example as to why the world as a whole, the human world, is so messy. Those who are living unconsciously, basing their lives solely on the ego, when their egos are hurt, they then act out the hurt of their egos.

I see this everywhere. I see it when I park my cart to get something and then a customer just has to go that way and the cart is in the way, so they ram into the cart, trying to move it so they can get by, cussing under their breath.

I hear it in all the complaining I hear all day long, from both coworkers and from customers. No one ever seems happy in any way. The ego doesn’t like their hosts to be happy. It is so ironic that most people desire happiness yet they live by their egos which basically want them to suffer and live in pain.

Even when they make lots of money so as to make the ego feel good, the ego still tells them that it’s not enough. Nothing is ever enough for the ego, yet most humans don’t know how to live any other way because the world around them is based on the ego.

So I have to go through each day observing ego all around me while observing, not so much my ego because it’s not ego when I’m observing it. It’s more my “shortcomings.” The things I’m working to bring into harmony through living in the present, which is the key to inner harmony and thus the key to harmony in the world and even throughout the universe.

I couldn’t help but remember in the past when I would hang out with other people. They would often talk about their work, complaining about this and that. What so and so did them and how it is everyone else’s fault for the difficulties that they have to endure.

There a time when I would literally make up things to complain about simply to be able to participate in their conversations. The funny thing was that they didn’t want to hear my complaining. Their egos wanted to be the ones who were doing the complaining. They all seemed so unhappy, though they looked at my life as such a failure. I didn’t get married, by a home, fill the garage with cars and other items. They all tried to get me to live such a way.

I know one of them, one that actually helped me to move into this apartment over 10 years ago, he would be so disappointed in me if he knew that I was still living here. I saw him just about 3 years after I moved in to this apartment and he was disappointed in me then that I was still living here.

In his eyes, I’m to never be satisified. I am to be working and attaining, always working “upward” in status. This man used to drink nearly a quart of whiskey each day. It’s one of the main reasons why I don’t have anything to do with him. Now, looking back, his entire life was based on ego and yet, within him, he was always very lacking. There were times when he was drunk that he would say that he admired some of who I was. My more spiritual nature. Yet, the next day he would deny it completely if he were asked.

He always debated against my spiritual nature. In fact, if I expressed it even in the least it would cause him to go into a literal fury. His face would go read and the veins would bulge from his neck.

It’s interesting that there are very few people who live as I do but there are many, many people who live like he does. In fact, in varying ways, this is what I would see in the homes of most people I would visit. They would complain about life, blaming others as the cause of their own difficulties, believing that they deserved something better while, at the same time, they don’t owe anyone anything. They don’t need to give to others, care for others or to love others. They only need love, if you call it love, their own lives and their families. All others are enemies or possible enemies. They can’t be trusted.

In simple terms, all of what I’ve described here is the madness of living unconsciously as the ego. This madness is seen as normal to those living within it. Those who aren’t living within it are seen as crazy to them. Crazy spiritual people who believe in something that isn’t true or can’t be confirmed a physical facts that their own eyes can see and their own hands can touch.

In general, they can’t see that life is more than what the eyes see and that the hands can touch. These things are form and form is ego. They also can’t seem to see that this life that is more than these things is within them. In a place where their physical eyes can’t see and their physical hands can’t touch.

This is the blindness of a world of living for and within the ego. It is the very definition of those people of which Jesus spoke of, or those who didn’t have ears to hear the truth of who they truly are. Therefore they go on living for the image and story that the ego has made for them, dedicating their lives to their own form, adorning and sculpting their bodies to fit the current trend of the standard of beauty.

Building up their lives to fit the current trend of status in the eyes of others. Living solely for a life that, in the end, desolves back into dust, without any meaning or life. Even their own lives will be forgotten not long after they die. Yes, their children and their grandchildren, if they knew them, will remember them for a time. Even some great grandchildren. Yet, after this, they will simply be an image on a photo or maybe some words on a letter or something they wrote. Maybe some form of art that they might have created.

Yet, those who come after those who physically knew them, will have no connection to these things. They will either form their own story of connection to that person based on the stories they heard. Or they will simply move on, forgetting they ever existed.