Losing Myself

It’s rather windy today. This usually means that a storm is coming in. It is also very warm. I would say it’s the warmest day of the year so far with about 66 degrees F.

Earlier I decided it would be good to go out. I couldn’t decided whether I wanted to ride my bike or walk. I decided to just go for a walk. Little did I know what the world would look like for me as it is really the first time I’ve gone out into the world, other than work, since I’ve turned on this living in the present thing.

It was very different. First off, I could see how, in the past, even though I enjoyed walks and riding my bike, I also didn’t enjoy them. Mostly because I didn’t enjoy going out at all much because it made me feel a little uncomfortable because I was concerned about what others might think of me as I am simply walking along doing my own thing.

This was very different this time as I just walked along, looking at things I hadn’t noticed before even though I’ve walked by those things many, many times in the past. I felt sort of as I did when I was a young child, just looking at the cracks in the road or rocks on the side of the road, not really thinking about them much but just looking at them. Sometimes I would actually stop and look at something that caught my eye.

I thought about something I saw in a video about living in the present. That it is much like being on a drug, where some drugs allow you to be in the present and thus the present seems almost like a surprise to some people who aren’t used it. So they go, “Wow! Look at this cup. I’ve never noticed the cup before even though I’ve been drinking out of it for years. It’s so cool. And the water inside feels so good in my mouth, even the taste of it is so enjoyable.”

Well, this is truly what it as like as I simply walked along, going to a store that I don’t usually go to just to see what’s there and buy some things that I can’t get at my normal grocery store.

As I said, it is windy outside. Usually the wind irritates me. Not so much today. It was just there. I felt it and had to press against it at times to get to where I was going during gusts. I had to hold on my cap at times as I felt it loosen. But, for the most part it didn’t distract me much. I didn’t feel any inner irritation or impatience with it.

The store was busy, as it is at midday on Saturday. I usually don’t like going to busy stores. I saw the parking lot filled with cars but noticed that I was more interested in looking at the man and woman walking across the parking lot holding hand. “Hmm, a man and woman are walking while holding hands.” I thought.

I then saw another man and woman standing outside their car talking. “Hmm, a young man and woman are standing outside of their car talking.” I thought.

I walked into the store and there was only one basket left, one of the carry baskets as I wasn’t going to buy much.

It was still wet from them cleaning it, as I could feel on my hands. It didn’t bother me much at all. I then began wandering. I first wanted to look at some shirts. I need some new shirts as many of my older shirts are no longer with me due to the previous journey.

I saw some and saw that they were out of most things. This didn’t bother me as it would have in the past. I simply looked at what they have and got a new idea of a shirt I might consider buying. I think they call them camp shirts. It seems very casual and pleasant to wear.

I spent quite awhile just looking at things. The colors, brands and styles. I noticed that I didn’t have my normal commentary going, such as worrying about the world and all that is bad about consumerism. I was simply looking at the objects that were there in front of me.

There were objects everywhere that would catch my attention for a second or so as I passed. I would look at their shapes and colors. I spent very little time thinking of their practicality or anything. They were simply things, objects to look at as I walked by.

Lately I’ve been working on how to make the baked potato more enjoyable for me. I’ve tried several different things but nothing has worked out. I thought, “Bacon bits.” So I walked over to where the bacon bits are and started looking at them. There are flavored bacon bits and real bacon bits. I picked up each one and looked at them, at the label, most to see the sodium content.

After a few minutes I felt someone behind me. It was one of the store order pickers. He was just waiting for me to finish before getting in to get what he needed to fill the order.

This was a time for a simple, “Oh, sorry.” from me as I moved aside and let him do his thing. I didn’t feel uncomfortable in the fact that I had been lost in the labels and basically was spacing out on the bacon bits while he was watching me. After he left I went back to looking at them again and found that the generic seemed as good a the brand name but cost less and since I’m still experimenting on how to make the baked potato more enjoyable it’s better to go with the lesser costing item.

I wandered down the frozen food aisle and must have spent literally 20 minutes just slowly walking up the aisle looking at things, sometimes stopping and opening the door to look more closely at something, then putting it back and closing the door.

By the time I got to the other side, I felt like I had just been on an adventure or something. I had truly gotten lost into the adventure of simply walking down a frozen food aisle.

So I went down the next frozen food aisle and did the same. All the while, the store is busy, yet I’m not affected by anyone around me. People just went about in their busy fashion. Sometimes they reached around me, but I didn’t think it was rude or anything. In fact, I didn’t think anything at all about it. I just saw the arm come and go and I went on doing my thing.

Truthfully, it was the most enjoyable time at the grocery store and the walk as a whole. I really didn’t buy many things, just the things I needed or desired at the time, as I did get some swiss cheese slices which I enjoy and they cost less there.

As I was walking home I noticed I would walk up on the curb, which is about the width of my foot, and I could balance for long periods of time as I walked on it, even in the wind and carrying a bag of groceries in one hand. I have tried this in the past and might get 5 to 10 feet but here I was, going on for about 50 yards without a single loss of balance, in the wind with a bag of groceries in my hand.

Well, all I can say is that my worries of losing something by living in the present were definitely unfounded. I can see that this fear, along with all other fears, came from my ego. The thing my ego feared losing was itself.