Living Expansion

I woke to a cold morning. Opening the shades I saw that a new layer of snow had covered the rooftops and the ground. Only a small layer that will probably melt by the end of the day, depending on how the temperature goes throughout the day. Still, it’s more a sight than of any inconvenience.

Yesterday I wrote of how I was going to try this medication I had been given while at the urgent care. It is a medication that is used for anxiety but is not addictive.

I took only one tablet, which is 25mg. I did a little research into the drug and found that it should begin to take effect within 30 minutes and then peaks around 3 to 4 hours.

I found this to me accurate. Within 30 minutes I could feel the effect, a calming down and relaxed feeling. By the time I got to 2 hours, I was asleep. I slept through the night. I woke feeling calm and at ease, though a bit groggy.

At this point, I know that where anxiety often sets in with me is strangely during my sleep. My anxiety is not so much anxiety itself but some sort of chemical reaction that happens within me that can at times cause me to feel more out of control within me, thus causing the anxiety.

It’s much like electrical impulses. I might wake in the night with a jolt of energy causing my heart to race for a few seconds. I found that understanding these things is more important than the anxiety itself. As my heart as said many times, allow myself to feel the feelings but not try to change them or fight against them.

She also says to not put thoughts toward certain feelings.

I experienced this greatly during the time when I was going through the extreme withdrawal from the supplement. I went into a very powerful panic attack, in which I felt this electrical impulses going through me. They would come for a time then, if I didn’t connect thoughts to them, they would leave for a time.

Doing this over and over again made it so that it never evolved into an outright panic or anxiety but simply an experience of understanding the process.

It seems this medication might help with this relating to my sleep. They say it is safe to use it up to 100mg a day, not on one dose but every 4 to 6 hours. I can’t see using it in the day because it does make me so tired. Yet, by managing these things in my sleep could very well affect how I am when I’m awake being that the anxiety is often caused by how I feel when I wake up and the quality of sleep I did attain through the night.

Right now I can attain this at the lowest dose. I don’t know if it builds a tolerance. I am tempted to cut a tablet in half, maybe taking it later in the day, to see how this affects me for possible use during the day if necessary.

It is interesting because this is one drug that doctors wouldn’t hestitate as much in giving me and it could help break the cycle of the anxiety or the root causing it so as to give me time to work out other things, such as reducing my isolation and attaining more personal interaction with others, as I think this is key to managing the anxiety as a whole.

One key element I’ve found that is very important is that of honesty. To always expose myself to the deepest level. If I feel I’m hiding something then this can cause anxiety to set in. It can cause thoughts of feeling isolated because I might feel strange or different from others, thus causing me to not seek out more personal interactions with others.

So far I’ve found people to be rather compassionate to my honesty. I’m sure there are many who would attack it and this is something I will have to work with. I can’t be afraid of being attacked. I also can’t be defensive if attacked. Much like my heart has taught me, I can’t fight only allow them to hit me then get up, brush myself off, wipe away the blood and go on. Then go to another who might be more compassionate and express my feelings, not of anger or retribution toward those people, but my honest feelings, so as to express these things and get them out of me, not taking them all upon myself as if I’m isolated. This is the essence of support or building a support system.

These are the things I need to be working toward, not the things that the medical community seems to think is so important, which always comes down to money and their desire for money.

I have seen that much of what is happening in the world today, things that seem to be good for life and the people, are really only ways to make more money.

I saw that Michael Moore made a surprisingly new documentary exposing the lie of the new green energy and how it’s not so green, except in the money that is being put into the pockets of corporation, thus revealing that liberals, or the Democrats, are not really friends of the people.

This made me think of the Affordable Care Act, which I’m now participating in, is more for the insurance companies and the medical industrial complex, not for the people. Yes, the people get to have insurance at a lower cost but really, at least in my circumstance, I get the insurance at a low cost but I end up paying more on the other side, thus negating any savings.

This is why I still have to take all of these things into my own hands, through the guidance of my heart. I believe these recent experiences were necessary for me to see who can be trusted and who can’t be trusted.

Though they often seem liking nothing more than sheep going to the slaughter, it is the people that are most important in what I need for myself.

I thought of ways for me to attain more personal interaction. This would require that I stay busy. I could work more, which is necessary now simply because I need the money.

I also thought of other things, such as volunteer work. It came to me that I would be doing the volunteer work for the most part for myself, to attain the personal interactions that I need, yet by doing so I would also be helping others. It’s not so much a selfless act but I’m giving and receiving from the same act, which is the cycle of love.

I’m beginning to see that love is not selfless. Love is truly a cycle of giving and receiving, ultimately making it so that everyone has what they need. This is very different from socialism or communism. This is what I think most people are desiring but it is constantly being labeled as being socialism or communism. Thus, love herself is being construde as being an evil rather than a good.

It’s the same with being anti-authority. It’s funny that these people who are anti-authority are also construde as being a threat to freedom and democracy. Yet philosophers throughout the ages have been anti-authority. I am anti-authority and what is it that I desire? I desire love, equality, balance and harmony within humanity.

Yet, being anti-authority is seen as being a threat to the society and thus an evil, even though most people actually desire what comes from being anti-authority.

Again, it is this anti-authority within me that has led to much of my feelings of anxiety. I have again felt like an outsider. That I have nothing to offer because I can’t contribute to the society as others do. I don’t care to go out and buy things and work hard, build large sums of capital so that I can buy and sell within the society.

I can’t communicate with them about the things that they seem to think are important. Thus, leaving me to feel like isolation is better for me. Yet, now understanding that most of those people out there who are defending these things, really do want honesty of feeling and expression. If they see another person doing it then they might feel they too can do it, releasing them of the burden of feeling isolated even though they might be active in the society and have social interactions.

I think there is a big difference between social interaction and personal interaction.

All in all, it seems that again this journey is leading me to something other than what I was expecting it lead me. I am noticing that I’m not so much talking about my heart as the main contributor to who I am, but more of a mentor who I once spent a lot of time with and learned a great deal from.

She is still there but I can see that she is no longer so separate from me. I can see that she is truly becoming me. I could see this when I wrote yesterday about how I had used the supplement. I said that “I used it right.” I didn’t say that my heart used it right. Or something in that sense.

This alone could be the great empowerment that I need to get on with my life after the great journey of understanding, learning and, most of all, awakening to who I truly am and what I can truly do.

Still, I dont’ know the true power of what I can do. It’s just like how, when I saw my sister yesterday and did something that was unlike what I would have done in the past, I ran right over and gave her a hug.

In the past it would have been her who would have initiated the hug and I would have done it but felt uncomfortable with the contact.

It will take time and experiences to see the true extent of what they journey as given to me, as well as much brainstorming and forming out a “plan” of sorts in which to deal with my life as it is and bring it forth into something in the future. A something that only that light of hope that I’m following will one day expose to me.