Questions and Answers

It seems the weather is back into the trend of what it was before we had a few good storms. The sky gets dark, the air gets cold but the moisture doesn’t come. Well, that might not be true because I happened to see the weather report on the news while at work and something seems to be coming in. So we will see.

It was a busy day at work. I was very surprised at how my mood changed once I was at work. I was struggling a little this morning, feeling a little anxiety which I woke up feeling. I’m sort of getting used to it but as long as it doesn’t affect my work then I’m fine. I was happy, helpful and full of energy to get the job done. This is important right now.

This morning, before I left for work, I looked at the table aside the chair I sit in and noticed the prescription bottle there. It is what the urgent care doctor prescribed for me when I was suffering from the withdrawals of the supplement. I tried them then but it wouldn’t have worked. I don’t think something as powerful as heroin would have worked, other than possibly stopping my heart and ending it all.

This is a medication that is used for anxiety but is not addictive like benzos. It’s basically an antihistimine in the family of Benadryl but it’s more potent.

As I was leaving I had to wonder if the answer was right there on my table, at least temporarily. So I decided that when I got home I would give it a try and see how it affects everything. I know my doctor would prescribe more of this to me if it works. I can take up to 100 mg a day, which to me means I could go as high as 150 mg if need be. I start at the lowest dose and move my way up as necessary.

I got my first rejection from a therapist. I have a feeling that my email introduction was a little intimidating. I was very direct in what I am looking for and I also commented on how looking for a therapist today online is much like browsing dating sites, because it is. You look at photos with brief introductions then, if you’re interested in that you go in and read the full description.

I received a call stating that she is not accepting any more new clients.

This made me think of all that I had gone through in choosing this person. I began to ask myself, “What is it that I want from therapy?”

Once I started a line of questioning from this, I realized that this is what a therapist would do if a person was seeking to find an answer or solution, they would help them question their way through it. Well, I already do this for myself.

The answer to the first question was as I had stated in the email and I’ve said many times, personal interaction. The thing is that I’m not going to get any personal interaction during this pandemic.

Still, it got me thinking of other ways I could get personal interaction. Then I thought about what it is that personal interaction means to me. It reminded me of times when I was deep in my anxiety before my journey, when I would make connections with people online.

These connections might go on for months and even years but they were the most frustration connections for me. Mostly because I couldn’t be in their physical presence. Not so much to have sex or even to touch them but to simply be with them. Even when I interacted with them via video it seemed to just frustrate me even more. I couldn’t feel their presence, their energy. I couldn’t smell them, such as an essential oil, perfume or cologne. I couldn’t see them, their body movements and language, which is very much part of communication, of having a full experience of communication.

I then thought of how I would be analyzing the therapist as much as she would be analyzing me. Because of who I am now, I might even point out things about them along the way that I might perceive.

I thought of past experiences with therapists, where I would pay them week after week and all they would do is sit and listen to me, as I’m very expressive and it doesn’t take any coaxing to get me talking. They would do nothing but listen to me, take notes and nod their head.

I often thought they were making a profile of my condition so they could later create some sort of therapy. So I had to invest a few thousand dollars to just get to the therapy part. When this never happened, I felt that I could pay a protitute the same amount and I’m sure she would be happy to sit there and listen to me for an hour or so.

Today my sister popped in at the store where I work. I haven’t seen her in a few years. It was amazing to see her and, unlike in the past, I was very open to her. The moment I saw her I went up to her and gave her a hug. I remembered how this used to make me feel uncomfortable in the past. I then said, “I know. I’m not supposed to give hugs at this time but I don’t care.”

She replied, “We’re family. Family can still hug.”

It as so amazing to see her. It was a quick meeting as she could see I was busy but it was so nice to see her. And it caused me to again think of what it is that I truly need. Personal interaction with others.

I learned that I’m not only more open with my expressions from within, that I would talk about anything without feeling shame in it, but I am also more physically open. It may be sort of a pain in the ass right now but more and more I don’t regret having used this supplement. To be honest, I used it right. Like I said many times during the journey, my heart is the greatest therapist of them all for me. And I can see that she continues to this day.

So what got me thinking about all of this to begin with? Well, it was a bad experience of having terrible withdrawals from quitting this supplement cold turkey without knowing that it could be life threatening. That’s all.

But it was this experience that opened my eyes to many other things. It also opened me up to the light. The light of hope that still remains before my eyes and is guiding me forward everyday while my heart still paves the way for me, such as the amazing experience of seeing my sister today and being able to experience more of what the journey had given to me.

So, this brings me back to wondering what it is that I can do to maintain personal interactions, as I defined them, during this pandemic. This is very important to me.

Well, I do get many personal interactions with people at work. Maybe not deep interactions where I can express my feelings to them and open up myself to them which is part of what I need, as I experienced in opening up to my manager a few days ago.

Then I thought of a quote by Jim Morrison:

“A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel, or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them. That’s what real love amounts to – letting a person be what he really is.”

I need a friend. A true friend. One that is not easy to find. Yet some of these things can still be obtained from simply communicating openly to people I meet everyday. Expressing love to them through service and also listening to them.

This is only part of it but then there is the part of me being open with them. Expressing my thoughts and feelings with them. Even in a brief interaction with a customer this can be done, if only in a simple, light way. Giving my thoughts on something that might cause them to have a positive reply. This completed the cycle of love. I give and they receive. They give to me and I receive through listening to them.

Ultimately, the main thing I have to focus on is managing this anxiety within me. This is the one thing that can cause me not to be able to do all of these other things and to be able to expand on these things in order to form even deeper connections with others, that might last more than a brief moment.

Well, I will say that all of this is preliminary thinking. Maybe just brainstorming. I believe it is good and necessary as I could waste a lot of money trying to find it in ways that might never give to me what I really need.

I will keep working it out. Keep asking questions and also being open to my heart who will continue to guide me to experiences that will allow me to learn even more.