Grinding Through

It’s another cloudy morning.

I woke up feeling a little out of sorts. It’s the last day of my work week. It’s interesting to come to a point in life such as I have lately and then come against nothing but seeming adversity.

First off, my other computer is dead. Even after using the Windows tool, it says that there are missing files and it needs the actual Windows disc. I don’t have this. Nowadays they don’t include a disk with computers. At least they didn’t with this one.

I tried using one for Windows 7 that I had but it picked up on my trickery and again asked for the proper disc. I just unplugged it and put it away for now.

Last night I decided to take the first step to getting a therapist. I found one that I really like, at least according to her description. She has that free spirit look about her and has a broad knowledge of many types of therapies. I also found it interesting that one of the issues she covers is feminism. Is she pro or con is my question. She has a nice Ms. in front of her name so that could be a positive in that way. I would really like to find a therapist who is pro feminine, which could be defined as feminism. Striving ot be a strong woman.

She was one of those few who had the world “eclectic” in her description so I couldn’t help but reach out with an email. Even if it is only online for the first part, it is a start and I have to keep things going. Now we will see what will happen from here on that front.

I’m still waiting for the psychiatric referal to contact me. I did receive a message that my test results for my thyroid are normal. They were even higher than usual, which makes me laugh because the doctor was so concerned that I was getting to my thyroid supplementation. No. I am just energetic and expressive. In these tests, lower means too much and higher means too little.

Well, I was thinking of the direction of this blog and it seems to be forming a direction on it’s own. I’m on a journey to resolving an issue that has plagued me throughout my life with a new perspective on it given to me after a two years journey that allowed me to search deep within myself and resolve many things and, if they are resolved, I’m now very open to talking about anything. I mean anything.

This is the gift that this experience has given to me and, most of all, that I’ve been exposing myself in my blogs throughout the journey. I’m well practiced at it and now I’m not so afraid of those falsely perceived consequences. I have a light of hope that floats in front of me seemingly guiding me somewhere.

It doesn’t seem like a very easy road though as I navigate the insanity if this society. But this is what I will probably be writing about in a very honest and transparent way. Maybe this blog might be more helpful to others than my previous journey, simply because my prevoius journey was really more about myself and my inner relationship with the universe and life as a whole.

Now it seems like I’m out her in the cold of this very cold and brutal reality that humans have had formed around them and I’m shivering a little but I will just keep following that light of hope that seems to be guiding me somewhere.

I still find it interesting that I just happened to download all of my documents off my previous computer not just three days before it went down. I don’t normally do that. In fact, I don’t think I’ve done that in years.

This, to me, shows that my heart is still protecting me, even though at times it doesn’t feel that way inside. Not like it did before. Like I said, it sort of feels like I’m outside in the cold, a coat wrapped around me, not sure of where to go or what to do. Just following some light that appeared a few days ago and hoping it is leading me somewhere better.

It does very much sound like the previous journey only that it is out here in the physical reality, dealing with the insanity that is all around me. I’m simply going into the unknown with no knowledge or understanding as to what will happen and simply having to just keep going forward.

I’ve noticed that one of the things about anxiety is that it likes isolation. It wants me to get away from others. Yet, the isolation only increases the anxiety. This is why I have called the anxiety a great monster who wants nothing more than to destroy me.

Yet, what’s ironic about is that who I am comes through what is causing that anxiety. My great imagination and even my ability to go way outside the box with my thinking all stems from that anxiety. It is what gives me such a broad and expansive perspective, or systems of perspectives. I’m able to weave through web like connections of thought and perspectives as if it were nothing. Unafraid to go into places that others might fear to go. In some cases, it’s because I really have nothing to lose.

Yet, is that is true? That I have nothing to lose. If that were true they why do I keep trying? It’s because I value something. If I truly have nothing to lose then why not just take it to the extreme and be done with it? Why go on dealing with the pain and uncertainty of it all?

Well, I think it’s simple. I’m an explorer and I just want to see what’s next to see. What’s next to experience.

If you could just see all the things I have to deal with now, at a time when my hours of work are still not increasing. When I’m not feeling 100% and now, with this new light before me, seeing clearly what it is that I have to face.

I have to get my teeth worked on. Years of anxiety has causes me to grind my teeth. I have a broken tooth that has been like this for over a year now. In the past I dreaded dentures. Now I would just like to do it and get it over with. I’m not concerned with how others might view me as I was before. But that costs money.

I can only wonder if my medical insurance will cover what is happening, being that I self inflicted this problem. I’m not sure what is happening with this referral for psychiatric care, to help wean me off and get me on other medication. I can assume, because they are very conservative scientists, and they had never heard of this supplement before, they are studying it before making a plan to see me.

Or, I’m just lost in the wheels of the bureaucracy. If I don’t do anything then nothing will happen. Therefore I will wait patiently for a little while longer then make a request for information pertaining to this.

I’ve decided to be more open to medications, to a point. I thought that, if a medication does affect those aspects of me that I value most, like my creativity and such, well, I’ve already used these things within me attain my every dream of understand that came with the previous journey. If I go a little numb there and don’t feel anxiety then it’s worth it. I’m not searching for anything nor striving to become anything. I just want to go on living and observe the world around me.

The one thing I won’t accept is what happened with one drug many years ago. Yes, it took away my anxiety but it also affected my compassion and empathy. I wasn’t mean per say but I was very bold in saying what I thought without any concern for the feelings of others. This might be a good state of mind for someone like a scientist or something but not for me.

I can only hope that if it does affect my creativity, it leaves some for me to enjoy.

Then there is my apartment, which I’ve been in for well over a decade and, well, because of my anxiety, never sought any general maintenance for it. I’m not sure this is purely my fault though. Before the virus they did bi-yearly inspections, and even pointed out to me one time when I was there that the rug is old, noting it down.

The linoleum is coming up in some places. The stripping around the tub is coming up a little. This all caused me great concern in the past because of my anxiety. I always felt that if they saw these things then they would evict me.

On top of it all, my credit isn’t very good. It’s getting better but it’s not up to where most people like it. I’ve always paid my rent on time so I figure after all of these years of doing so, this should be my credit with them.

So, my plan, after I get all this medical stuff done, possibly on a new medication, am moving along with therapy, then I will go in and be honest with them. I still have about 6 months on my lease.

I really want to stay here because it’s close to work and close to everything else I need, like shopping stores. Plus, being alone with no car, it would be difficult to move to another apartment complex. I am hopeful that they will allow me to move into another apartment and then they can simply remodel this one and rent it out from there.

It’s another one of those “we will see” things. I have plans but, just like what is happening right now, and has happened throughout my life, plans are nice but getting from A to Z is another thing entirely, especially trying to navigate an insane society that is based on an insane reality.

Well, at least one thing has become normal again. The US is back to bombing and attacking other people again. It just isn’t normal to not be using the US military to kill other people. They’ve been doing it so constantly and for so long. Without doing it, well, the US just doesn’t seem like the US.

Oh the madness. I just received a message from the doctor’s office. I had put in a request to send my prescription to the pharmacy since the test results were normal. The RN sent back asking if it is the thyroid medication that I’m seeking. Hell, it’s the only medication that I’m taking. It seems I will just keep grinding my way through the bureaucracy.

All in all, I still have this older computer to keep me going. I might need to look into getting another computer. I hope that the camera functions okay for the therapy sessions. It’s funny. At times it seems like my entire life is simply falling out from under me right now. Yet, all I can think of is what my heart has always said in regards to the society as a whole and changing it:

“You can’t build a new building on top of an old building. First you have to tear down the old building, clean it up and then build the new building.”

You know what? I think I’m going to add a couple of tags to my post. Mental Health and Anxiety. Like I said, maybe what I will be writing about my new journey might just be helpful to someone else. I really would like it if all that I’ve been through and what I will be going through, just might help someone else in some way. But hell, that’s pretty grandiose of me. Yet, I’m not trying to save humanity. Just maybe help someone else through the experiences that my madness has brought upon me.

Truth is, at times it is me who seems to need the help but I have to depend on my heart. As I’ve learned in the past, the advice of others is rarely the advice for me. I’m not giving advice here in this blog. I’m simply writing about my experiences. Therefore, others can make from it what they desire to make from it.