Just A Mellow Glow

The weather has gone from sunny to cloudy again in just a few hours. This seems to be the norm lately. I guess that means there is another storm coming in. Yep, that’s what the forecast says.

I’ve spent the afternoon looking for a mental health therapist. It was funny because after a while, looking at all of their faces and reading their descriptions, I felt I was on a dating site.

Something came to me as I saw one common theme. Because of COVID there are only doing virtual sessions. Of course, when I am seeking it there is a limitation that simply doesn’t fit the image of what I desire. I need in person contact, not virtual. I don’t want to sit in my own apartment, where I’ve not only lived many years of the trauma in my life as well as the journey that brought me out of that trauma. This is all about taking my heart out on the road. Out into the world.

Well, it’s going to take more research. I found that there is one word that I can see that stands out to me in a few of their descriptions. That word is “eclectic.” That does describe what I would be looking for in a therapist. One that is not bent on one form of philosophy or thought.

Then I have to wonder, should it be a man or woman? In the past I’ve had both men and women therapists. I did enjoy the sessions I had with a man. Strangely I didn’t enjoy those with the women as much. They seemed too passive and didn’t get involved enough. I will say, I didn’t do much research before hand as this was years ago and the Internet wasn’t anything like it is now.

Now it’s like I said, more like looking at a dating site and trying to find one that is compatible for me based on a brief description. I guess it’s similar also to having to go out on a date to see if the description fits the face. More from the male point of view because he is usually the one who picks up the tab. I would have to pay to see if I like them or not and wish to continue to see them.

I’ve turned my focus back over to the psychiatric side. To work on weaning myself off of this supplement. I can do the weaning but I need a replacement else it would be difficult. I’m not sure what obstacles I will run into there either. I’ve noticed that they don’t like to use Benzos anymore. They are addictive. They seem to opt for more anti-depressant options, which I won’t take. I’ve been there, done that and it is hell.

I still wish I could get medical marijuana. Maybe I can find a person who can get it for me illegally. I’ve asked my heart about this several times. It is in my intentions. It really seems to be the most logical option given what I have to work with. Wean off the supplement with marijuana and then later, when COVID settles down some, look into greater in person therapy. In the meantime I can continue to explore with my heart the grander world on my own. And, I still have my writing.

I did receive the flash drive I needed to get the Windows tool so I can get my other computer going again. It is now in the midst of installing it.

The best news of the day is that I found the writing sotware that I have been using that is now being wiped away on my other computer, so I was able to download it onto this computer and will download it again on my other computer. Oh, it’s so nice to be writing on this again. I was in pain writing on that cold, white sterile page. I have my pretty pink page back again. My eyes are rejoicing.

It’s funny how it’s all in the keywords of the search. I used many of them. I had to think back to what I might have used at the time when I found it originally and it came to me. And there it was.

I was thinking of how a therpist could put up plastic partitions so as to be able to see each other but be separated. Maybe a microphone and speaker in each side to as to hear each other more clearly. Even this would work for me. I’m sure this would be too costly for them unless COVID is never going away. Then they might have no choice.

I simply can’t see the effect being very good doing it online. Me looking at a little image of them as I talk to them and they seeing a little image of me, who is very expressive and they need my body language as well as my facial expressions to get the full effect. Also, it is about energy and one can’t transmit much energy through the artificial stream of consciousness. Again, another great limit to humans trying to recreate something that is seriously lacking from the original, simply because they don’t want to take the effort to understand their connection to the original.

It’s like a talk I saw today. I was watching something on YouTube and I fell asleep. I woke up to a man giving a talk on compassion. I thought, “This might be interesting.”

He said that most all humans have natural empathy and compassion. The catch is that it is usually only for those people they know. He spoke about how strangers are often seen as a threat. He even said that studies show that people even see strangers with disgust. He used an example of sitting on a bus seat after another person had sat on it and feeling disgust at the warmth being felt.

He said that this very thing is what leads to people being afraid of immigrants and even people of different colors. Thus saying, in a way, that racism is natural and inherent within humans simply because they are naturally afraid or disgusted by strangers.

Again, this is where psychology misses out. They are only viewing the animal. Through my journey, I have come to find that people can connect on a grander scale through the heart. It’s odd that I don’t see strangers as a threat anymore. I don’t necessarily feel disgust for them. If I sit on a chair that is warm I might feel that someone was just sitting there. I do remember a time when that did bother me.

Maybe it’s why I enjoy seeing other people and smiling to them while I can see in their faces that they would rather not have to see me. Yet, I can say that when I am experiencing anxiety I’m quite the opposite, more from how I feel inside not how I’m seeing the outside. How I see the outside is often based on how I am seeing and feeling from the inside.

This is one of the reason I can say that I’m afraid to ever have to go back to that way of life again. It is why I am willing to use every resource possible and possibly have to pay money for the rest of my life for therapy and other things to maintain my anxiety.

It’s funny that this supplement is actually hanging in there. I don’t understand it. It was like there was a brief blip in how it was working, I went through all the chaos and now it is working fine again. Working with me through a completely different perspective. One that desires to reach out the world and expand in different ways.

I’ve recently read of people who have been taking it for over 5 years. My only concern is what damage it might be doing, just because of the very dramatic withdrawal symptoms of you go cold turkey. But still, when I think of it, this little jewel gave me two years of freedom in a lifetime of being in that prison. Whatever happens it was worth it. Like what I said to that mental health therapist about 15 years ago. “I just want about 5 to 10 years of peace and then I can die happy.”

Truth is, I would settle for two but then I would have to die because I have no desire to go back to the way it was before. It seems I might be able to get a bit more out of it until everything else comes into play. Maybe my heart might guide me to some wonderful marijuana. I’m no longer searching for anything in life. I can just sit back and relax in the evenings then sleep deeply through the night, only to wake up in the morning mellow for the day. At least, this is how it was for me in the past before I lost a job because of a drug test and didn’t use it again.

I didn’t even abuse it. I would take 2 or 3 hits in the evening and basically just sit up for about an hour then go to bed. I would then wake up the next morning feeling calm for the next day.

On my days off, I might do that several times during the day, a couple hits here and there every few hours through the day, just to keep a mellow glow. I would buy a gram of the stuff and it would last me three weeks because it’s so potent today. Unlike the person from where I was getting it who told me that one gram was one sitting for him. I couldn’t imagine that. I don’t like to get that high. Just a nice mellow glow.

Like I’ve said many times, I never have any idea where my heart is taking me. Most of the time I’m just going along for the ride.

My other computer started to reboot after having installed Windows and it said that the boot failed again. I got up and removed the flash drive, thinking that might be affecting it. I then started it again. It failed like it had before.

So I put the drive back in to let it try to install it again. This time it started to boot into the mode to install again but then changed and now seems to be setting up and “Getting Ready” as it says right now, as the little dots spin round and round over and over again. I guess we will see what happens with that. Technology is always a pain in the ass. I hope when it comes on it will be a bit faster than it had been before.

Well, I certainly write about different things now in this new journey. I guess I could go on about some serious things I’ve seen but it really doesn’t matter all that much to me. I could pretty much express myself about most anything. I guess this is what I want to express myself about at this time.

Well, the computer is still “Getting Ready.” I don’t know if it’s going to happen but I will let it sit there throughout the evening just to see.