Experiencing Life

It’s a sunny day with a nice blue sky. The air is a bit cold.

I have just come home from work. I am working much better now. They have a new system that requires me to work harder to keep up. In my previous state I wouldn’t have been able to do this but now I am able to keep up just fine.

I’ve come to wonder what this blog would become as everything, I mean everything, has changed in my life since my previous journey. I can honestly say that I’ve never perceived life as I do today. Where before, I can say that my motivation to live was the journey I was going through. When the journey ended, I honestly wondered what would come next. Would there be anything? At one point I couldn’t see anything more coming.

Now a whole new life and view on life has opened up. All motivated by a light of hope that I can’t define. A light that I simply continue to walk into each day, with no idea as to where it is taking me.

I still have little fear of this light or of where I’m going. I find that I’m much more patient and even balanced. I don’t seem to press into extremes to find more. In fact, now that I’ve exported and deleted the posts of my previous journey, I don’t have much feeling toward what was so important to me during that journey. Yet all I learned from that journey remains with me today.

Occasionally I will look at the headlines of the news and think of how everything is still going in the direction of what my heart had shown me. Seeing many stories of femicide happening throughout the world shows how the masculine is feeling more and more threatened by the feminine energy that is filling the world. It’s sad that these beautiful women are dying and being abused so terribly but it is also expected during such a great conflict that is building. The masculine can only attack in the physical realm while the feminine continues to fight through the hearts of the humans.

Still, it really doesn’t matter all that much to me.

What I find interesting is how I see people now. Where before I often talked about how women would stand out in the forefront of my perspective and the men would be in the background, now they are both on the same ground.

I don’t have a great reverence for women as I did in the previous journey. I see all people through their expressions. I can experience their inner expressions, expressions of their hearts, coming through their light and simple interactions.

These interactions used to sort of irritate me simply because they are so meaningless. In a way, 30 years or so later, I am finally understanding something an old friend said to me when I asked him what the purpose of light talk was.

He said to think of the coyotes and how one will howl then another will howl in response until the entire pack is howling, all connecting through the howl.

I’ve never forgotten this and, throughout my life, I’ve tried to make sense of it.

Even though what they might be saying seems vain and meaningless, their expression is coming through this connection they are making through these seemingly light conversations. The very energy of their being. Their hearts.

I can hear and feel it simply listening to two young boys talking excitedly about GI Joe figures. In the past, I would have seen this as meaningless because, to me, the figures are meaningless. Yet, all I could hear, see and feel was their expressions.

It’s much like with opinions. Some people have very strong opinions about things based on their current perspective of life. I might not agree with their opinions. This might cause me to want to challenge their opinions. Now, I have no desire for this at all. It’s so interesting that, even when I hear an opinion that I might not like, really all I hear is their expression.

I can hear the expression of the heart coming through the seeming chaos of anger that is being expressed. It isn’t an expression of anger that is coming through but the voice of who they truly are behind all of their anger. In a way, simply by hearing this one can see the reason for their anger which causes one to feel more compassion for who they are rather than to want to fight or debate with them based solely on the anger.

I also find it interesting that I’m again watching some TV shows. Not on regular TV as I won’t subject myself to the brutality of commercials. I can turn on most any show now and not feel any defensiveness or object with it at all. I simply sit and watch the story unfold. I see the actors portraying the characters and I can also lose myself into the portrayals. I don’t feel I’m fighting against or judging anything in the show. I’m simply watching the story unfold.

Even in the most simple of shows and even seemingly corny shows, such as “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” I’ve been watching episodes and, when I see overacting and, well, acting that’s not very good, I wonder why there isn’t any thoughts of criticism coming to mind. Thoughts that would cause me to feel a little irritated and thus turn it off.

Now, all I do is hang out and lose myself in the story. I just relax and enjoy the story. I no longer seek anything from other things, such as depth of thought and expression. I can also enjoy the expressions of the heart that comes through the actors as they portray these characters. And I just enjoy all of these things happening in a calm moment of simply watching the story unfold.

This new “ability” to enjoy the light things is very different for me. I can’t remember at time in my life when I could tolerate such light things. I think it’s because, well, in my previous journey, all of my questions were answered so I’m no longer seeking anything from anything. I’m simply enjoying the expressions that I experience.

Well, today I will be receiving the 16 gig flash drive so I can use it to get my other computer going again. It will be nice. I only needed 8 gigs but they are so cheap now that I got one a little larger. I laughed at the fact what when I had bought my 4 gig flash drive many years ago, even on Black Friday, it was more expensive than t his 16 gig drive.

I also bought a new pair of blue jeans. I noticed when I was going to the doctor that, well, I didn’t have any decent jeans to where. Only my work jeans which are a bit worn. I’ve noticed many things that I’ve neglected.

I’ve also noticed that something that used to cause me a lot of anxiety has gone away. I used to wonder how I would get out of this rut in life. How I’ve been in this apartment for all of these years and, because of my anxiety, I’ve basically neglected having it maintained. There isn’t anything really wrong but I’m sure I could have had new carpet put in and other things. Now it’s all, well, pretty worn and I can now see it.

Before, when I would look at these things, they would cause me anxiety because I didn’t know how to deal with them. Now, with this seeming fearlessness, I’ve learned that the way out of this rut is by simply facing things directly. Simply by being honest.

At times, being honest for me in the past caused me to feel vulnerable. Like what I did with the manager at my work, where I opened up about many of my problems with him. I’ve noticed that this might have caused him to feel a little uncomfortable because it was so honest and I was expressing such powerful emotion.

For me, I can now say that his listening to me could have save my life. It was needed. It also taught me that I need to get a long term therapist. It’s funny that I can now see why mental health therapy didn’t work for me in the past. It was simply because there were many things within me that I would have shared then. Things that I’ve been able to resolve within me through the previous journey.

I’ve looked back and enjoyed how I was able to walk the dark halls of my past with my past attacking me. How my heart showed me my past from an entirely different perspective.

I truly think that therapy would be very beneficial to me and even to the therapist who, if I find the right now, might find me to be very interesting to say the least.

I just know that writing is not enough. There is something very powerful about expressing oneself to another in person. I see therapy as a stepping stone to even greater expression to all people, though even this has begun already.

I thought of what I might say to a therapist and realized that I could say, even in the first session, things about my feminine heart. I could talk openly about all the pain that this has caused me throughout my life as I’ve tried to navigate this life within a masculine dominated reality.

I could talk opening about sexuality. I could be open about anything. I realized that I will need to find a therapist who isn’t limited in themselves. Such as if I were to find a therapist who was Christian. They might find my very broad openness to be offensive to what they perceive in life. They might have biases.

I was thinking of how I wish I could have one free session with each of them, simply for me to interview them and get to know who they are what they believe and how broad their perspective is. Could they handle it if I were to say things that might contradict their views on life?

It will all be interesting as things aren’t going as smoothly as I was hoping. It never does. My doctor put in referrals for a psychiatrist to help with the medications to help me wean off this supplement along with a social worker.

I’ve been in contact with the social worker through the app. It didn’t make sense to me so I asked him questions. I also didn’t have a good feeling about him. He said that he is simply there for the short term not long term therapy. He said that looking at my file I would probably need long term.

Well, this was my intention all along, so why would I waste money seeing him? I’m still waiting for the psychiatric referral to notify me. When I explained all of this to him, he replied with some reference material to finding the right therapist. So basically, this was an empty path. By being patient and asking questions, I didn’t waste my time going down the path.

This alone was very different for me, and it also shows that I’m being guided by my heart. I am also not frustrated by it. I have already been looking at other therapists. There are seemingly thousands of them in this area. It’s amazing how many of them there are out there.

So I have wondered where this blog will lead and what I will express within it now, but it seems to be all coming forth as I walk further into this light. It is simply another journey of a very different kind. One that is more about interacting with the world around me than about focusing on the world within me. Not negating the inner world, but simply balanced with greater interaction with the outer world.

It will all be very interesting. All I know is that today I feel more purpose in life than ever in my life and I have no real idea what they purpose is, nor do I really care to seek out to define it. The purpose is simply in my walking into this light of hope. Just like with light talk and expressions, I’m not here to find anything, I’m simply here to experience life as it unfold before me.